COLD

It's Winter need I say more other than it's FUCKING COLD...I'm layered up in doubles any more and I'm in danger of looking like the Michelin mans plump sister I'm considering it that's how FUCKING COLD it is.

Out of Power

Well luckily my phone battery lasts longer than my laptop otherwise I would truly have nothing to do except you know talk with friends and family I ignore in favour of less meaningful relationships with complete strangers...but its not really a relationship is it its more of a I don't know a causalships we relate and disclose far more of ourself rapidly and with eagerness then we do with the ones we love and know buts its never that deep..strangers are more akin too free therapists we need them in our lives to hear us but not to judge or hold us hostage with our own thoughts and feelings.

We want the people who love and like us to continue doing so...so we hide pieces off ourself we think are ugly or are wrong maintaining little white lies is instinctual fueled by fear and self esteem the lower the self esteem the bigger the lies and the bigger the pieces we have to hide when they get big we start getting creative decorating and accessorising.

I guess if I was a fully functioning human rather than just a dysfunctional one with great acting ability because lying is an art form...I would'nt spend so much off my time online or maybe I just have really boring friends and family...a bit of both probably but mostly I think online on the internet the possibilities is endless there is no limit to how far you can travel and the awkwardness of reality is lessened with the ability to reinvent yourself into infinity....that part I like especially when I'm feeling blue.

What Day Is It?

 

I show my indifference to the weekdays weekly by spurts of selective amnesia scoffing at their pretentious notion of individuality I’ve never met a group more alike in their passion to fuck me over than the weekdays I spent my time cowering from their company praying for Friday the least stuck up fucker of the lot once Friday comes I know I’ll be able to get monetary respite in the bosom of my slacker buddies weekends.

That respite of adult fun and mayhem is looking less viable there is something inherently wrong with being sick on the weekends  that's what the weekdays are there for…I’m actually sick and not the fake 9 o’clock sick you know until the school bell rings, but the kind were you have to spend the entire time practically on the deathbed as opposed to being comatose in front of the telly filling on things guaranteed to make you sick…I was never of the Ferris Bueller ilk but more of the vegetable variety snacking on crap watching soap operas talk shows cartoons and black and white movies.

What day is it?…its lets fuck you some more day because that's never getting old weekend shenanigans postponed by the fucking rain parade that is the universe.

Dogs Life

My Dog has a sweet life…having a dogs life is a compliment in my irrelevant opinion zero troubles aside from when your next meal is…which is every dogs top priority food and the quantity of food it will overlook the quality if starvation is the only other option I know I’ve brought home enough canned shit because the dog on the picture looked good and because the price I ignore all the other stuff like writing I’m never going to eat that jellied shit and it all looks the same shit chunks coated in jelly that smells like tuna.

Then there's the daily torturous walks (for me) or what I like to call drag racing I always feel like I’ve involuntarily participated in some survivor style manic death run and the dog is the only who can see the killer chasing us luckily he’s no longer the bubbling puppy ball of energy intent on chasing every stray leaf now he's settled into a lazy slob who spends his days impersonation a limp cucumber of course he may have finally subscribed and is channelling my lazy aura…but he’s free to come and go as he pleases because the bastards so skinny he slips under the gate and can wriggle through the bars I would you know get off my backside and escape proof the garden but then I would have go back to walking the hair ball…and he's a big boy now knows the neighbourhood doesn’t need to be lead around like a puppy and thank fuck for that.

Shitting well it doesn’t give a fuck where it shits since it won’t be cleaning up seriously my dog just gives me his two signature glares his first is the vacant I’ve ran out of giving fucks when I was born look and his second is “I speak no English so fuck you” look…I treat him like a retarded teenager who's never going to pay rent or clean after himself so yeah I don’t need kids I’m good with the one I’ve got.

Dogs life I wish I had no job no bills no one giving a fuck if I’m wasting my life away or if I’ve achieved anything as long as he can keep his shit out of my garden I consider that a giant fucking bonus.

Thought Cloud

My thought clouds were drifting aimlessly changing and moulding to the whim of the wind….today a thousand thoughts marched and evaporated through my consciousness but I cannot recall a single significant one trying to recapture an errant thought is like seeing the snow fall of a million fleeting dust illuminated by a ray of sunlight and trying to catch a single speck hopeless really it can’t have been that important if I can’t remember….once you’ve swallowed the poetic garbage all I’m basically trying to say is I forget a lot of shit.

Funk Day

Tuesday is becoming my funk day its has the speed of a lazy sunday and the feel of a shitty monday after a massive binge session...I don't want to move think I think I'm waiting for someone to draw my chalk outline and declare me dead.

Shit Paste

If it looks like shit then there's a pretty good chance it will taste like shit.

I dedicate this post to the fuctard who thought it was a good idea to blend 6 herbs and mineral salts to make shitty toothpaste...this is not an exaggeration my gag reflexes went into fuck mode and drove straight into anal cliff..this reaffirmed my theory that packing less shitty flavours is definitely better.

Cockroaches

MOTHER..SUCKING..NATURE...because that's what she is right now fucking sucking the amount of her disgusting bastards I've had to kill is unbelievable...the ants are annoying but bearable ticks just don't entertain unless there's chemicals or blowtorches involved..rats now you're trying to gawd me into a ozone depleting war but cockroaches fucking cockroaches they make my skin crawl...luckily the tick sprayer also works on cockroaches so they've been turning up dead just wishes it would also disintegrate to avoid manual clearing.

Stalker

Some people don't know how to let a grudge go..okay fine I suppose if someone had accidentally and I heavily stress the word accident because that's what it was purely accidental I might you know get a little psycho like this little fella...and while I'm attempting too be confessional that accident was very traumatic on me it was scary with a large country fried chicken portion off guilt..a high speed lizard bullet charging out of a dark corner what did you expect hugs and kisses I did what every irrational human being does who watches far too many horror movies throws sharp objects first then runs screaming out the room looking for more irrational beings too share in the mayhem.

Well in my defence you obviously didn't need the tail to survive since you're still living and stalking my bathroom window everynight...you look good by the way plastered to the glass channelling your inner serial killer.  Sincerely your tail hacker I'm so fucking glad your small and all your friends are too.

Unreasonable Fear

I know I'm bigger and more deadly but what you don't realise how much I don't fucking care...if I see a spider my first instinct is to recoil in horror next is to find something hard sharp blunt hell even a gun to destroy it...plain old drop dead is not enough for a spider total nuclear destruction must be initiated fuck the planet and the kids this is a bloody spider.

Unreasonable fear is completely warranted.

Less Ain't More

Packaging should fit the product just opened up a crisp packet two thirds of which was filled with air and at the bottom was an adult sized handful of crisps crunchy spicy sticks...anything good never last long damn you..damn you all to hell.

Fartsy Art

My android phone comes with lots of distracting apps to facilitate my procrastination...my latest addiction is sketch paint.
Now I can pretend to be creative fake skills are fun to flaunt behold my Rembrandt esque paintings...I call the first one "Cherry Drunk"...and the next one is "Red Temptress"

Eat'n'Go

Restaurant dinning experience is not about the atmosphere or the cuisine for me its always about the no cleaning up...very rarely I have a great dinning experience I mostly settle for not turning my stomach into the riverdance extravagancer tap dancing its way out of my arse.

So we went for chinese I've sworn off indian after the great mount vesuvius tragedy discovering I can vomit through my nose is still a painful disturbing moment...that could require therapy or copious amounts of alcohol before I attempt to enter an indian restaurant.

Well I was very hungry my mouth turned into a slip and slide it was a tasty slurp fest..even managed to throw in a sugary sticky toffee pudding with ice cream it was all perfect until I sat back then it began the rumbling slow churning of the food in my stomach like a washing machine..well long story short my arse called shotgun on the toilet the minute we pulled into the drive and I spent another night on a date with the toilet all this quality time we're spending am engagement looks promising..at least I know he can take the whole families shit.

Teeny Bopper Apocalypse

Zombies are scary their ugly flesh eating mindless human infecting army...nothing about zombies screams cute cuddly or curable.

Vampires on the other hand are immortal soulless blood drinking creatures who only come in tall dark and brooding just looking for the right girl to stalk...we all want a vampire stalker to love except when they come in sparkling teen angst like fucking fairies then they should be eliminated.

I'm hoping for a vampire apocalypse but preparing for a zombie one unfortunately the one I think we're getting is going to be the far scarier teeny bopper apocalypse their deadly weapon will be catchy infectious music that's low on substance and high on sugary factor the end of days has begun with the Bieber virus humanity is doomed

Chocolate Party

I consider anyone who doesn't like chocolate with extreme suspicion and place them high on my terror suspect list and invading aliens posing as humans list..the latter list is mostly populated with reality tv celebrities whom I lovingly call fame wanking whores.

Been gradually topping up my sugar levels with jaffa cakes not just plain orange jaffa cakes...but strawberry flavoured jaffa cakes they also come in cherry flavour the wonders of human ingenuity..wonder how long it took them to spice up the jaffa cake did they try every flavour known to man but only strawberry and cherry were tasty enough to market...or maybe I haven't scoured the supermarket shelves properly somewhere out there..there's more flavours off jaffa cakes I just have to believe.